Friday, January 23, 2009

Too Tired For A Holiday

My life these days starts out in bed where I toss and turn, fight the alarm clock and snooze for an hour. By 9am, I jump out of bed, get ready and hope I get into work before 10am.

I then work furiously and relentlessly for 10 - 12 hours with not much of a lunch break and then I'm home to meet Paul for dinner, a bit of telly then off to bed.

This is my standard schedule from Monday till Friday.

Come Saturday, it's usually spent running errands or cleaning the house.

And if we're lucky and there's no accessive errands or chores, we'll get to stay in on Saturday night and stay up watching movies and eating a barrel of KFC.

And Sunday is when we sleep in and laze around or meet friends.

So it's no surprise that I now no longer have time for sufficient sleep, to blog, check my facebook, or go to a spa.

Instead it's a race against the washing machine. How much can it wash and dry versus how much can I fold and iron? Can i work faster than it can spew out clean clothes?

I'm so tired, I don't even want to go on holiday. I just want to stay in and sleep. Paul was really sweet, suggesting that we go away for the weekend during my birthday. But I think a nice dinner and a good nights sleep would be the best idea yet!

Chinese New Year is in 3 days and I've yet to clean the house. The plan is to do it tonight and over the weekend. Not sure if that's enough time. But I'll have to do what I can.

Not looking forward to CNY. Really hot weather and lots of people to visit. Rather stay in, vege out on the sofa and watch a movie. And sleep.

Sleep is really all I think of these days.

Thursday, January 08, 2009

Cutting Down on Smoking, Not Quitting.

Screw it! My quitting smoking strategy has changed. I can't sit around for 3 hours being totally unproductive while I suck on a straw and obsess about how badly I need and want a cigarette.

And I find that with a pack of cigarette in my bag, I'm able to function much better throughout the day and crave for cigarettes less. Sometimes I fell like having a cigarette but I don't, because I tell myself I can have one later since it's in my bag anyway. And by doing this, I'm down to 3 - 5 cigarettes a day. My usual is 7 - 10.

It's when there are no cigarettes around, that's when my mind stops functioning and can only think about smoking. It's madness! Trying to quit has taken over my life and i can't of nothing else but how badly I need a cigarette when clearly, I don't.

It's 6.30pm and I've only had 2 sticks today. Once after lunch. And once at tea time. Not too bad if I can say so myself.

It's in a bar (which I hardly go to anymore, yay!) or when having coffee with friends, that's the hardest to smoke just one.

Seriously ... coffee and cigarettes ... they go hand in hand.

Okay I know that cigarettes is bad for the body. But I figures I still really enjoy smoking. And if I stop cold turkey like I did for 2 days, it can lead to anxiety, stress, insomnia, and depression?! That's madness. Quite smoking for health but get a host of other illnesses?

So I figured that I'll still smoke (because it feels sooo good!) but only when I really want one and really am able to enjoy one. I shall no longer smoke because I'm bored or because everyone else around me is smoking.

I can now sit at a table of smokers and not smoke myself.


And the battle continues.

To everyone out there who's trying to quit, good luck!

Friday, January 02, 2009

Quit Smoking - Day 2

Since quitting smoking almost 2 days ago, my taste buds have totally cleared and everything tastes so good! Last night after dinner, I ate chocolate, biscuits and peanuts before bed. Today, after lunch, I finished 3 large slices of pannatone which I brought to work.

No wonder people who quit smoking put on weight. Everything tastes so good! And of course it also gives you something to do with your hands.

I've been reading a lot about quitting smoking. I know one can grow fat cos they eat more. But one could also get depressed! Quitting one habit to gain an illness is really not good!

I already feel agitated. And I've friends who are depressed. Depression causes you to not be able to function in normal every day life. Depression causes you to want to jump off buildings!

I rather be a smoker than a depressed person!

I'm going a bit crazy now. Paul's going to the gym. I'm going to go join him. Nothing like a physical work out to get the crazy thoughts out of my head. Plus after a work out, the fresh air in my lungs should negate any thoughts if beautiful grey clouds swirling around me forming a mist ..... argh! I'm going to the gym. Now!

Trying to Quit Smoking Since 1 Jan 2009

As of today, I've not smoked for 1 3/4 days. Almost 2 days! I decided that 1 Jan 2009 would be the date that I quit. I pressured Paul into doing it too because there's just so many reasons to do it with the first and foremost being wanting to be parents at some point in the near future. So its not for our health (smokers don't ever consider this a factor) but it's to give the kid the best start possible, from conception onwards. I'm also reading What To Expect When You're Expecting and will be interviewing OBGYNs soon.

So after our New Year Eve party which ended at 4am, I went to bed and woke up at 3pm. Paul and I cleaned up the house, went out for dinner, walked around for a bit and came back. Paul promised he'll quit after he finished his last pack. I said okay. Fair enough.

The first smoke free day went without a hitch. No cravings. No nothing! I thought it was pretty easy. If only.

Came into work this morning and greeted Michelle Who Stays on the Seashore. She quit on 1 Jan too along with her partner.

We went to make coffee in the morning as usual but didn't detour to the stairwell for our morning smokes. The morning went by pretty quickly.

Then we went for lunch. We had our usual cravings for a cigarette after lunch. But that's to be expected. Then we saw a couple of people light up. We tried to ignore them. I sucked on a straw. Pretending it's a cigarette. It worked. For a while.

It's really not so much the nicotine but the hand-to-mouth action and having something to do with your hands and mouth. It helps so much when you're in a ackward situation. Or meeting a new group of people who smokes.

Since coming back from lunch, about 3 hours ago, I've thought about smoking about 30 times. It's all consuming. I can't work. I can only sit here, suck on my straw and imagine holding a stick between my fingers, the bright spark followed by the fire, then the deep inhalation and my lungs being filled with cool menthol air. And when I exhale, the smoke coming out like a dragon, the smoke enveloping me like a beautiful grey cloud, lifting me senses......

I can't help it (furtively and desperately sucking on my straw)!

Since writing this post, i thought about smoking another 15 times.

Wow this is tough.

I know I've not posted much on the wedding or the honeymoon but seriously, I need to share with you my trying to quit smoking experience.

I think this is when the anger and irritation sets in.

I know this isn't forever. I really love and enjoy smoking but recently have been doing it out of boredom, to relieve stress or just cos of habit. I wanna trash all of that and smoke when I really feel like having a cigarette. That means a few sticks a week which I think is fine. But I really do need to quit for at least a few months before i pick up social smoking just cos I can. Or after the baby. Or something. I can't think anymore!

I feel light headed. I dunno if it's the withdrawal symptoms. Or me taking really deep breaths through my plastic straw. Or winding my legs too tightly against my body.

I need a cigarette! Now............................